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Gary Cokins
Gary Cokins
Founder and CEO - Analytics-Based Performance Management LLC

Analytics-Based Performance Managent LLC
Manager, Performance Management Solutions

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C-Suite Tweets

Posted almost 11 years ago

Will executive teams inevitably be texting and tweeting each other with Twitter? If so, here might be a team’s exchange of tweets as their quarterly financial results are about to be reported.

CEO: @CFObeancounter – DollarDude. How’d we do 3rd qtr?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Bad. Missed sales & profit $$$ targets. Profits ½ of $$$ plan.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – No way. Cant be tru. Y?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Ask the Huntr.
CEO: @SalesVPbagger – DollarDude says we missd $$$ targts, Top line. Bottm line 2. Y?
SalesVP: @CEObigchief – Beats me. All KPIs above plan. Nice bonuses. Party!!
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Huntr says he beat all hz KPIs. You lyin 2 me?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Huntr’s KPIs are bogus. He’s gaming the systm. Had lots of sales calls. Few sales. Bad target accts.
CEO: @SalesVPbagger – DollarDude sez lots of crummy sales calls. Bad accts. Tru?
SalesVP @CEObigchief – DollarDude should stick to counting the beans. We made 98% $$$ sales targt.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Huntr says hit 98% $$$ sales targts. Y profits ½ of $$$ plan?
CFO: @CEObigchief – In the mix.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Huh?!!
CFO: @CEObigchief – Huntr sold mostly lo margin stuf. I think.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – You think?! Wuts the facts?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Our cost allocations overweight the ez stuff. Underweight the tuff stuff. Tuff stuff then looks profitable. It ain’t. A mirage. Litl profit. Mayb losses. We sold a lot of tuff stuf last qtr.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – You lobbyin for that activity based costing u want? That ABC thing?
CFO: @CEObigchief – All our $$$ profit margins are distorted w/o ABC. We need reality, not broad averages.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – What about our cost performance last qtr?
CFO: @CEObigchief – Opns missed his productivity plan … agin.
CEO: @OpnsVP – Bigboy. DollarDude sez yu missed cost reductions. Y?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – DollarDude’s mis-focused. Didnt give us enuf budget to do it.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Bigboy sez no $$$ 4 projects to cut his ops cost $$$.
CFO: @CEObigchief – Yup. U x’d out his budget $$$ to hit HQ’s budget profit $$$ goal.
CEO: @OpnsVP – Oops. My fault. Forgot u needed to spend $$$ to cut cost $$$. What now?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – We need better KPIs. My folks track OT hours. Keepin em lo. Leave early. Go fishn. Missed ship due dates. Some customers leavin’ us.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Bigboy sez KPIs drive bad behavior. Poor srvc. Losing customers.
CFO: @CEObigchief – We need a strategy map, then KPIs from it.
CEO: @CFObeancounter – Strategy maps are kids stuf. Me with crayons? No way.
CFO: @OpnsVP – Chief sez u want new KPIs. Like what?
OpnsVP: @CFObeancounter – Like any mezr that links my opns to his strategic objectives?
CFO: @OpnsVP – Chief duznt like strategy map. Mayb we should draw one for him.
OpnsVP: SalesVPbagger – DollarDude sez we should draw Chief’s strategy map. Agree. But DollarDude should measure customer profitability. Your Customer Uno is killin me.
SalesVP: @OpnsVP – What u mean? Customer Uno is my big meal ticket.
OpnsVP: @SalesVP – Customer Uno jerks our schedules, always ordrs specials, hi tech support, returns stuf. I think we lose $$$ profit with em !!!!
SalesVP: @OpnsVP – U mayb right? Should we measure $$$ profit for all customers?
OpnsVP: @CFObeancounter – Huntr is cummin around to u measuring $$$ profit by customer. Can u? Then sales bonuses could focus on our hi profit margin $$$ stuf and on bettr types of customers.
CFO: @OpnsVP – But I’m not sure what our stuff’s $$$ profit margins are. I need ABC costing. Also need ABC for customer profit $$$ math. That $$$ spend is below the product $$$ gross margin line …. Costs of distn, channels, selling, and cust svc.
OpnsVP: @CMOadman – Scope. DollarDude is scaring me. Thinks u might be targeting unprofitable customers. How do u target new sales prospects?
CMO: @OpnsVP – Simple. Spray-and-pray advertising. If they have a heartbeat, we chase em. Grow mkt share at any cost. More butts-in-seats at my mrktg events = big $$$ bonus for me.
OpnsVP: @CMOadman – Wut if those butts-in-seats nvr buy our stuf? U still get bonus?
CMO: @OpnsVP – Yup. Big bonus for hi #s of webhits to our URL 2. Lately lots of kiddies web traffic. They can buy our stuff when parents give em an allowance.
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – DollarDude and Huntr think we need ABC costing to measure our true $$$ profit of stuff, services & customers. I want KPIs that make more cents (ha! get my joke?).
CEO: @OpnsVP – Wut does Scope think?
OpnsVP: @CEObigchief – Scope wants no part of DollarDude’s ABC. Makes xtra work to targt more valuabl prospects. He’s chasing wrong markt. Likes his # of butt-in-seats and web-hit KPIs … regardless who they r.


MEMORANDUM
To: Sales, Marketing, Operations, and Accounting
From: Office of the CEO
Subject: 3rd Quarter Financial Results

We missed our third quarter sales and profit targets. Profits were 50% of target. Why? We don’t know where we make or lose money. We don’t know which types of customers and sales prospects to retain, grow, or acquire. We measure the wrong things.

I’m taking a vacation. You figure out how to fix this.

Big Chief

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